Grosses me out every time

Something that you may not know about me, unless you happen to be nearer and dearer to me than is comfortable, is that I am deathly afraid of newspaper.  Something about that creepy rustle and stinky, dirty newsprint raises an irrational disgust in me.  I won't let it in my house.  If someone is reading a newspaper, I move at least five seats and/or three metres away, whichever is further.

I can smell it from here.

Wet newspaper is perhaps the worst.  It clings to you and will not let go.  Its slimy grey wetness taints your skin and you smell like newsprint for a month.

What evil is this?!  Papier mache is thy name.

According to Google, I am not the only person who has this fear.  This kid's mother wrote about it on her blog.

"I looked it up because I was thinking of some bizarre fears my 4-year-old has, and decided I needed to look them up. No, she doesn’t have the usual fear of the dark or monsters or even clowns.

Newspaper.

The child is afraid of newspaper. And paper towels, paper napkins and magazines. But, strangely, not copy paper or toilet paper. She’s selective, it seems.

Chloephobia. No, it’s not the fear of girls named Chloe. It’s the fear of newspaper. It is a certified phobia, people. Or papyrophobia, which is the fear of paper.  

We discovered this strange fear when she was about 2 years old. She would go out with Doug to collect the newspaper in the morning, but would refuse to even touch the thing.  Then we realized it was legit when she would go into a panic if we asked her to sit at the table if the newspaper was on the table. She would not sit at the table until we moved the newspaper off of the table. The same thing goes for magazines. And she will not use a paper napkin. Won’t even touch it. If you offer her one, she will put her hands behind her back and shake her head 'no.'"

Sounds about right.  That said, I'm not convinced that "chloephobia" is a recognized term.  It sounds like something Urban Dictionary made up.  However, the fear is legit.  Newspaper has the ability to turn beautiful things into sewer garbage.  Let's take a look.

Example 1

Delicious

Gross!

Example 2

Tasty

Bleuchhh!

Example 3

Adorable

You poo on that!

Newspaper taint rubs off on most things.  It is worse than cancer.  Save some trees, stop buying newspapers.  Stop cabbies from lining their cars with newspaper.  And STOP PUTTING FOOD ON IT.

The Globe and Mail is free online, and so is the Post.  Use your iPad for something other than Angry Birds.