Five Lessons from Cancer College

I've been spending more time at Princess Margaret Hospital lately than I have at home.  It is a magical place, full of wonder and amazement.

During chemo cycles, I'm at PMH daily for a week.  Infusions occur daily in the Chemo Ward, which is a fancy term for giant ward with IVs and La-z-Boys where cancer patients come to get their chemo juice.

I've mainlined more hard drugs than Mick Jagger.

On off-weeks, I'm at PMH a few times a week for bloodwork (more needles) and oncologist appointments where I hope to catch a glimpse of my very busy Rockstar Onco-Doc.  He's fantastic.

A few things I've learned:

1. Fear of needles is a bogus fear.  You really should be more afraid of the phlebotomist.  Particularly the one who forgets to take the tourniquet off and makes you sit there for an hour while he fills four vials drop by drop with the tourniquet still on.

2. When you find a good phlebotomist or onco nurse, grasp on for dear life and do not let them go.  If necessary, ply with chocolate.

3. Takes one to know one.  The only people who are going to know you are wearing a wig are likely also wearing wigs.  When walking by such person, eye them knowingly.  Then keep their secret.

4. When at the hospital with your (older, wiser) mother, nine times out of ten, the hospital volunteer will mistakenly address her as the cancer patient.  When this happens, threaten to rip your wig off if they do not recognize you for the rightful cancer patient you are and attend to your needs immediately.  Just because you have fabulous hair, bag and Blackberry does not mean you are exempt from cancer.

5. Your onco nurse holds your life in their hands.  Be nice, or you won't get a popsicle and you'll have to sit in your chemo chair for three hours while the guy next to you smugly sucks on his.