Green Juice

A green juice a day keeps the cancer away.

Today's green juice includes kale, spinach, celery, cucumber and a Granny Smith apple.

Long run.

I was just looking through my running logs from a while ago and noticed that I had run quite a few miles the day before I was diagnosed with a pelvic mass.  And the day before that.  And the one before that.  Mostly because I thought I was gaining weight and getting fat.

Bloating is one of the symptoms of a pelvic mass.  Unexpected weight gain was, for me, another.  

It is sad how in one moment, the biggest problem in your life can go from carrying some extra pounds to a diagnosis of cancer.

Fight the good fight, Jack.

Jack Layton, leader of Canada's Opposition, announced today that he is suffering from a new cancer and will be stepping down.  His statement is here.  The announcement is especially poignant because I ran into him one day at Princess Margaret when I was there for chemo.  He had been sitting in a wheelchair pushed by his wife, Olivia Chow.  They looked grim.  

Jack's message today hits close to home.  You don't generally think of public figures as real people until you find out that they are being treated in the same hospital that you're in, and more than likely, trying to cope with the same thing that brought you there.  The big C-word brings everyone together.  Jack was supposed to be a survivor.  He had kicked his prostate cancer's ass and raised his party to Official Opposition status.  He was inspiration when I was going through chemo.  With nothing but time on my hands on the bad days, I tended to read up on public figures who had survived and thrived.  Jack came up often.

I have never subscribed to Jack's politics, but I have always respected him as a politician and feel that he is a genuinely nice guy standing up for what he believes in.  Now, he's down, and having gone through chemo with him as inspiration, the bad news seems very personal.  A comrade is down.

Fight the good fight, Jack.  People depend on you for more than politics.

Lumps and bumps

Fourth cycle begins next week, and as usual, bloodwork and appointments were scheduled for this week in preparation.

There is nothing wrong with my blood this week (thanks Neulasta, you are worth every one of those 300,000 pennies), but my oncologist came in with some unexpected news.  He suspects I may need further surgery to remove the "lumps and bumps" (his words) that were not resolved by chemo.

This was a shock.  My impression was that this type of cancer is fully resolved by chemo.  Not to mention that I already have an 8 inch vertical scar on my abdomen, I am not relishing the prospect of further surgery unless it is revision plastic surgery to get rid of this ugly ass scar.

There are a few outcomes that I guess I should be ready for:

1) The CT scan shows that everything is gone.  My organs are clean and glistening like they were just wiped down with a Mr. Clean eraser.  This is the best case scenario, and one that I truly hope for.  Certainly not impossible.

2) The CT scan shows that the cancer is gone but some "lumps and bumps" around the peritoneum remain.  My oncologist will then decide if further surgery is warranted.

3) The cancer is not fully resolved.  My oncologist will have to decide whether he wants to proceed with further chemo, radiation therapy, surgery, or a combination of these. 

Yesterday's meeting drove home the fact that there is no magic cure in cancer, much less a rare cancer.  No one really knows how the body will respond to any given therapy and there are no guarantees.  Everything is out of my control and it is very, very unnerving.

Woe is me

I was at a party this weekend where a friend graciously informed me that my blog is a little woe-is-me.  He has a point.  In his honour, today's post comes to you from sunny Borneo.

Almost exactly a year ago, I took a trip to Borneo for a nice dose of Vitamin D.

Island life.

View through the trees.

Borneo is the largest island in the world.  The island is divided between Malaysia, Indonesia and Brunei, with the bulk of the territory held by Indonesia.  I visited the Malaysian side, the State of Sarawak.

Sarawak is blessed with beautiful beaches warmed by the South China Sea.  Apparently not all things made in China are questionable.

We hired a guide to take us around Bako National Park in his speedboat.  Life jackets were passed around and off we went.  The sea was especially calm that day.

The tops of fishing structures called a kelong sticking out of the water.

The Cobra, a rock formation in the middle of the sea. 

We landed on a small, abandoned island a long way off shore.

Panorama function, bishes!

The Walmart greeter at the entrance.

Blue fiddler crabs doing their thing.

The Skulls, a rock formation named for the cranium-like protrusions.

Cross a bridge.

Meet a spider.

Like a boss.

More photos in future posts for those who tire easily of cancer.

A Week in the Life

During the weeks between chemo cycles, you almost forget that you have cancer.  Everything is almost normal.  You so quickly forget the five days of chemo hell that you went through not too long ago.

But then chemo begins again and you begin to remember all too well.  On the first day, you feel only somewhat bad.  Not unlike the brusque onset of a cold, or the jitters after an all-nighter.  You fool yourself into believing this cycle may be easier than the last.

On the second day, the needle hurts and you leave the chemo ward feeling like your veins are filled with paint thinner and petrol.  Your mouth tastes like you gargled with nail polish remover and formaldehyde regardless of what you put in it or how many times you brush, and you begin to realize that the taste, the smell, is coming from you.  You take a shower a few too many times.

The third day is hump day, but the only one doing any humping is your cheery chemo nurse.  You've given up making conversation in your chemo chair, you sit, and try to look less dead than those around you.  You've given up fighting with the nausea.  No amount of medication will save you.  The lining of your guts is slowly dying, sloughing off piece by piece.  You eat nothing.  You drink only for fear that your kidneys may succumb to poison.  You take pills in an attempt to keep consciousness, and all its prickly effects, at bay.

Day four comes along bright and early but you are hardly aware.  By now, days have woven into nights, and you can barely tell where real life begins and the dreams leave off.  There is a full pot of beans on an ancient stove and a Vietnamese baby saying the pot is too small.  You open your eyes, the talking baby remains.  By day four, the chemo juice washes into you easily.  Your veins offer no resistance, defeated, they lie limp and dark.  You return home after chemo, fall asleep and awake to a wave of nausea.  Your body is trying to turn itself inside out.  You try to sleep, the Vietnamese baby returns, this time selling Tudor style candy from a cart.

Day five is the last day.  You barely have the energy to look forward to it.  Today is the last day you will be seeing your chemo team for a while.  You feel vaguely sad, nostalgic.  Remember day one?  Good times.  People tell you that things will look up today.  They don't.

Today is day eight.  The world is just beginning to feel solid again.  Nearer, my God to thee.

Welcome to Chemo Team 4

Chemo Team 4 is the ward where I get most of my chemo juice.  It is ruled over by my amazing chemo RN, Manny, and is where I spend most mornings socializing with other people who don't have hair.

This is the chemo chair opposite mine.

This is the normal saline that gets flushed into me before and after the chemo juice.

Today's chemo juice, a delicious blend of Cisplatin and Etoposide.

I only get Bleomycin on Day 2 of each cycle.  On each of the other four days, I'm on EP.  Hence BEP, the name of the regime.

Sweet, sweet chemo juice.

My new open-toed flats.

Yes, chemo can be chic.